Window of Tolerance: Why You Keep Avoiding Your Goals

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I have to confess something:

At the beginning of this year, I set myself a few dreamy goals.

Almost all of them I have pursued and achieved with abandon.

Except ONE.

That goal was a very simple one:

To finally be able to run 2 kilometres without stopping.

This is where I mention that I hate running and I’m not sure if I could currently run 500 metres without stopping.

Even though I love moving my body (at the gym, I am obsessed with yoga, Pilates and the weight-training class BodyPump) and I walk 10,000 steps every single day.

But still, I wanted to see if I could stretch myself to do something outside my comfort zone. Just a little… hence the reason I set my goal at 2km, not 10km or a marathon.

And yet here we are, nine months into the year, and do you know how much progress I’ve made towards this goal?

Absolutely none.

Like, I’m not kidding, I haven’t even attempted to run five metres.

Which is actually quite funny because it’s not as if I’ve spent the year avoiding exercise altogether.

I still consistently walk 10,000 steps a day and I’m always out and about moving my body. I’m perfectly capable of putting on my shoes and getting outside.

But running?

Nope. For some reason, my brain has treated that particular goal as something I would much rather think about doing someday than actually begin.

And recently I realised there is a very simple explanation for this.

The Window of Tolerance

As a psych major and coach of 25+ years, I’ve often referenced the window of tolerance but never thought about how it related to my avoidance of running this year.

For those who are unfamiliar with this term, it was originally coined by psychiatrist Dan Siegel to describe the zone in which we’re able to cope with what we’re experiencing without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down.

Inside the window of tolerance, we can think clearly, stay present and respond reasonably well to what’s happening.

Outside it, things can start to feel like too much.

And while the concept wasn’t originally created to explain why we procrastinate on our goals, I think it’s a useful lens for understanding something I’ve been teaching for years:

And that’s BABY STEPS.

You see, the best way to stretch yourself isn’t always to take the biggest step you can possibly tolerate.

(This is why I say STRETCH YOURSELF towards your goals, but not so much that you BREAK.)

Instead, the best strategy is to take a step so small that your brain barely has time to object.

Because here’s what I realised about my running goal.

I’ve been thinking:

I need to run 2 kilometres.

And my brain has immediately been responding:

Absolutely not.

Because I don’t identify as a runner.

I wholeheartedly admit that I don’t particularly enjoy running.

I know it will feel uncomfortable.

I know I’ll get puffed. I’m not even sure why I set myself a goal to do something I know I won’t love doing.

And because I’ve mentally attached all of that discomfort to the goal, it makes logical sense why I haven’t even started.

But what if my goal right now wasn’t to run 2 kilometres?

What if it wasn’t even to run 1 kilometre?

Or 500 metres.

Or 100 metres.

What if I simply went for my normal walk tomorrow and, at some point during that walk, ran for 10 seconds?

This is something I am now considering doing, now that I’ve connected my avoidance with my window of tolerance.

So I have it in my mind to run tomorrow for just TEN SECONDS.

That’s it. Nothing more. And then I can go straight back to walking.

Can you see how, if I approach my goal with this little baby-step strategy, suddenly my brain doesn’t have quite so much to argue with?

Weirdly enough, this is how I’ve always coached people

I’ve been teaching my baby-steps strategy for more than 25 years.

I really believe that this is the quickest way to get to any goal – slowly and surely.

Not because I’m a hater of bold moves or crazy risks (I have stumbled onto a few of these in my life).

But because I understand full well the powerful pull of a comfort zone, and so my suggestion is always that you just walk to the edge and start by dipping your toes outside of it very gently.

The point is to slowly expand your comfort zone.

Because your mind and body will 100% resist expanding your capacity if you constantly throw yourself into situations that feel completely overwhelming.

That’s why you need to expand it gradually.

Take one small step.

Let yourself discover:

Oh. I can handle this.

And only then, when your mind and body discover that it’s safe, do you go and take another. And another.

Until the thing that once felt like a huge stretch starts to feel surprisingly normal.

Then you stretch yourself again.

This is where I think we sometimes get goal-setting completely backwards.

We think the brave thing is to set ourselves an enormous challenge and force ourselves through the discomfort.

And sure, sometimes that works.

But I never recommend this approach because sometimes the enormous challenge becomes the exact reason we do nothing.

We set the bar so far outside what currently feels doable (like me focusing on a 2km run all year) that our brain keeps finding ways to avoid approaching it.

Meanwhile, a ridiculously small step (like running for 1 metre) could have had us moving months ago.

So back to my main point:

If there’s something you’ve been avoiding, don’t immediately assume you need more discipline or motivation to do it.

The window of tolerance can still keep you stuck even if you suddenly get bucketloads of both.

Instead, before you start giving yourself a hard time, ask yourself:

Have I made the first step too big?

Is the step taking me too far out of my window of tolerance?

If yes, you need to change the way you think about your big goal.

• Maybe “write the book” becomes =opening the document and writing 100 messy words.
• Maybe “start exercising” becomes =walking around the block.
• Maybe “launch the business” becomes =telling one person what you’re thinking about creating.
• Maybe “sort out my finances” becomes =opening the bank statement you’ve been avoiding.
• Maybe “quitting your job” becomes =writing down the first sentence you want to say.

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Just to be clear, the goal isn’t to make your dreams smaller.

It’s to make the next step smaller – small enough that you can actually take it.

And then, once that step starts to feel normal, you stretch yourself a little further.

Ten seconds becomes 20. Twenty becomes 30. Eventually, perhaps I’m running for a minute. Then five. Then ten.

Can you see how this would work? How eventually I can become someone who can run 2 kilometres without stopping – only if I ease myself into it slowly.

At least that’s my current plan.

Because as I write this, I still haven’t run those first ten seconds.

But now I can see the mistake I’ve been making for the past nine months.

I’ve been staring at the 2 kilometres instead of starting with the first few metres.

And maybe there’s something in your life right now where you’re doing exactly the same thing.

What would happen if you stopped asking yourself to make the giant leap and instead chose one tiny step that feels almost too easy to count?

That tiny step might be exactly how you begin expanding what feels possible for you.

And rather than waiting nine months to start (like me with my running), you could get started today instead.

Much love,

Frances xxx