Dysfunctional Families – How To Cope And Survive One
Have a dysfunctional family? Trust me, you are not alone! Here are 10 tips to cope and survive dysfunctional families.
If you are looking for info on how to cope with and survive DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES then you have come to the right place!
So let’s talk about dysfunctional families…
It’s traditionally the sort of thing we only talk about whispers because we all feel like our family is slightly (or very) weird and crazy.
Sometimes it’s hard to put up your hand and say “hey, yep, I totally fall into this category!”
But over time I have discovered that dysfunctional families are more common than the Brady Bunch variety.
Gosh, imagine how much easier would life have been if we only knew that we weren’t alone!
Now I admit, it’s tricky to try and define the term dysfunctional families.
Accordingly to Wikipedia, a dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehaviour, and often child neglect or abuse on the part of individual parents occur continuously and regularly leading other members to accommodate such actions.
Needless to say there are various degrees of dysfunctionality in families.
Dysfunctional families can include anything from domestic violence, mental illness, unemployment, drug and alcohol, sexual, verbal or physical abuse to different forms of unhealthy toxicity (including mind-games, manipulation and favouritism) that wreaks havoc on relationships within the family.
The good news is that if you grew up in a dysfunctional family * you are not necessarily destined to recreate the same mistakes with your own children and partner. *
A dysfunctional family is NOT A LIFE SENTENCE.
You can learn new and improved ways to parent.
You can make peace with your past.
You can still love deeply and nurture healthier relationships in the future, if you are motivated enough to do so.
TEN TV SHOWS ABOUT DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES
1 – Married With Children
2 – Everyone Loves Raymond
3 – Roseanne
4 – The Osbournes
5 – Two And A Half Men
6 – Breaking Bad
7 – The Sopranos
8 – Malcolm In The Middle
9 – American Dad!
10 – The Simpsons
So how does one cope with and survive having a dysfunctional family?
Here are 10 tips:
1. Know you are not alone.
Dysfunctional families are just as common (if not more so) than functional families.
2. Practice self care.
You still need to take care of yourself – emotionally, physically and mentally – especially if the other important people in your life tend to drain you.
3. Keep your expectations about your family realistic.
At some point you need to accept that you will never, ever be part of The Brady Bunch.
4. Seek therapy if you feel like you would benefit from it.
If you think you may be carrying issues from your earlier life forward into your current relationships please see a therapist.
It is absolutely fine to seek help when you need it (in fact, it’s a sign of great strength when we seek to heal and accept the past – in whichever way we need to do it.)
5. Minimise contact with toxic family
It’s a simple equation: if family members insist on treating you bad, belittling you, eroding your self-esteem and making you feel generally like TOTAL CRAP, you may simply need to minimize your contact with them.
That doesn’t need you need to cut them out of your life totally (unless you know deep in your heart that they are BEYOND TOXIC and it’s the only solution).
Instead keep your visits short rather than long and more infrequent rather than weekly. You can even opt to make a quick call to say hi rather than taking a whole day out for an encounter that will only leave you feeling drained and upset.
Do what is best for you!
You are a grownup now. You get to decide!
6. Allow yourself to feel hurt/angry/rejected/sad
It’s much healthier to release these emotions rather than burying these feeling and keeping them forever bottled in.
Cry it out, write a letter expressing your feelings (even if you never send it) and accept that, however crappy it was, this was your experience.
It is what it is and you can’t change the past.
Things that you set free will liberate you.
Things that you keep locked in will destroy you.
But at some point you will need to stop dwelling in these negative emotions. You are an adult now and you have a choice to make: future happiness or misery?
7. Be honest
You aren’t a little kid anymore. You can be honest and respectfully call out bad behaviour when you see it happening.
Don’t continue to watch it happen and say nothing.
8. Let it go
At some point you need to ACCEPT THE PAST and start looking forward.
Where are you now?
Where do you want to go?
And how can we get you there?
9. Surround yourself with people who make you feel great
The truth is even though you didn’t get to pick your family as a kid, YOU DO GET TO PICK your social circle as an adult. Surround yourself with friends who nurture you, love you and lift you higher in life.
10. Don’t repeat the same mistakes
If something made you feel like crap as a kid or adult, why would you carry the same behavior into the new family you create? Why would you consciously allow your kids to suffer in the same way?
Make a promise to yourself to behave in a healthier and happier way with your own partner, children and friends from this point forward.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, here are 50 quotes to help you process the experience and help you understand that you are not alone.
DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES
1 – You cannot change the people around you, but you can change the people you CHOOSE to be around.
2 – Refuse to inherit dysfunction. Learn new ways of living instead of repeating what you lived through. Thema Davis
3 – You are allowed to terminate your relationship with toxic family members. You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself.
4 – Some of the most poisonous people come disguised as family.
5 – Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Very often, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache. Iyanla Vanzant
6 – Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
7 – People who come from dysfunctional families are not destined for a dysfunctional life. Bo Bennett
8 – We all come from dysfunctional families and these days I guess that’s pretty normal. Carnie Wilson
9 – If you feel you grew up in a family with toxicity, make it your legacy to break the family legacy. Your new motto: the pain stops here. Karin Salmansohn
10 – In general, the more dysfunctional the family, the more inappropriate their response to disclosure. Never expect a sane response from an insane system. Renee Fredrickson
DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES
11 – Maybe every family is dysfunctional, and that’s the only thing in common throughout the world. Julie Delpy
12 – If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you’ll be going, “you know, we’re alright. We are dang near royalty”.
13 – Sometimes, I regret being nice, apologizing when I didn’t do anything wrong, and for making unworthy people a priority in my life.
14 – Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in. Shannon L. Alder
15 – In troubled families abuse and neglect and permitted; it’s the talking about them that is forbidden.
16 – Sometimes problems don’t require a solution to solve them; instead they require maturity to outgrow them.
17 – A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it. Mary Karr
18 – Instead of wiping away your tears, wipe away the people who made you cry.
19 – Sometimes you have to accept the fact that perfection doesn’t exist and certain things will never go back to how they used to be.
20 – If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, then there is really no hope for you to have a good relationship. THAT IS ANOTHER MYTH that we have to throw off, so that we can get into what I call reality. Gary Chapman
DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES
21 – Thanksgiving is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under the same roof and hoping the police don’t get called.
22 – Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlours with ice cream and free jewellery. Jerry Seinfeld
23 – People talk about dysfunctional families; I’ve never seen any other kind. Sue Grafton
24 – I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Melissa Gilbert
25 – You can’t treat people like trash and then expect them to love you.
26 – Weddings are never about the bride and groom, weddings are public platforms for dysfunctional families. Lisa Kleypas
27 – I come from a dysfunctional family, so my views of parents and parenting used to be highly mixed. Tamora Pierce
28 – Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops. Joseph Kesselring
29 – The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. Richard Bach
30 – With words, I could build a world I could live in. I had a very dysfunctional family, and a very hard childhood. So I made a world out of words. And it was my salvation. Mary Oliver
DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES
31 – My dark comic edge is the end result of trying to use humour to maintain my sanity growing up in a dysfunctional family in Honolulu. Kirby Wright
32 – When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits – anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving. Kim McMillen
33 – Toxic people will pollute everything around them. Don’t hesitate. FUMIGATE. Mandy Hale
34 – Only goal as a mother: raise children that don’t have to recover from their childhood.
35 – You never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe in fresher air.
36 – One of the saddest things in life is knowing that the only way they will truly come to appreciate you is if you remove them from your life. Equally sad is knowing that the very moment you let them back in, the same cycle will once again begin. Samuel Decker Thompson
37 – Toxic people attach themselves like cinder blocks tied to your ankles, and then they invite you for a swim in their poisoned waters.
38 – Some of the hardest people to cut off are family members. But sometimes they are the main ones that need to go.
39 – You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop and what you reinforce. T. Gaskins
40 – People inspire you, or they drain you. Pick them wisely. Hans F Hasen
DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES
41 –Not everyone you lose is a loss.
42 – So many broken children live in grown bodies mimicking adult lives.
43 – A child may not be able to articulate it, but children very quickly understand the dysfunctional unwritten family rules that exist in toxic families. Gail Meyers
44 – If they do it often, it isn’t a mistake; it’s just their behaviour. Dr Steve Maraboli
45 – Family is supposed to be there for you no matter what comes your way. Shame on the ones who are not; that is not what family is about.
46 – It is a truth universally acknowledged that secrets are toxic and break up families. Jane Ridley
47 – How to be happy – delete the toxic people from your family.
48 – Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.
49 – Wrong in wrong. I don’t care if it is family or not. Wrong is wrong. You don’t support family, you support what is right. Morals come first.
50 – The human race is one big dysfunctional family. Robert Barron
Remember, wink, wink, as far as everyone knows, we are a nice normal family.
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I’m Frances Vidakovic – a mindset & action coach for quietly ambitious women who want to stop overthinking and finally take aligned action. I help women achieve their goals and follow through on what matters, without sacrificing their sanity or soul.